The big boys and I just returned from a trip to Ohio to visit my sister. The reality that we are not the same was more than evident as even going in the car on a ride all together was possible. Mixed blessings. I am so glad to be able to do this stuff with the big boys and Shaun would want us to have fun, but the reality is that I feel incomplete~ all the time. The easiest way I can explain this is to think of your children and then pretend one was gone for good. Never to hold, feed, change, kiss, cuddle, run after, yell at~ again. This is my reality every day. I am supposed to be raising "my three sons." Instead there are only 2 (wonderful, beautiful, full of life boys, but only 2). We were able to go to the park, play all day, go to the pool and swim, not have to worry about naps, feeding schedules, due meds, if Shaun could stand the heat~ but I would take it back in a heartbeat. Instead, we built my sister a garden, took walks around the block, ran more than I have all summer, went to Peter's bike races, and enjoyed sleeping in and staying up late. I even was able to go on an overnight "date"
(thanks Rache!) with my hubby and some adult friends to Cedar Point Amusement Park and ride roller coasters all day. It was good... and sad. My sister Rachel's children and ours are all around the same age, girl 8~ Stephen 7, boy 5~ Scott 4, girl 2~ Shaun should be 2 (3 weeks apart). I wouldn't want to bring Shaun back from the glory and the awesomeness that he is in right now, "dancing with angels" and singing and laughing and running around, but at the same time as each day goes by, I feel it more. More real. More loss. More sadness. More longing for the day we will be together again. And I do believe with all that I am we will be together again. Jesus tells us in John 14 that in His Father's house there are many rooms and that He "goes to prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you with Me that you may also be where I am." This makes me think of the song,
Save a place for me by Matthew West. It is beautiful. Listen to it, these are the thoughts that I feel. My beautiful Shaun, I love you and can't wait to be there with you and your sister.
Scottie has turned a little. I am so thankful for the ladies in the Hospice. They are amazing and help me with him so much. Right now our struggle is both anger and clingy-ness. His anger comes out in frustration and yelling which leads to crying and missing Shaunie. Otherwise, he doesn't want to be anywhere without me, wants to sleep with us, and also is becoming shy~ which is different from my "look at me! I am a rough and tumble boy!" little man. I know this is normal, but it hard to be patient and kind and graceful all the time. And I don't think we should be all the time. He may be wondering and needing hard lines, lines not to cross, so he feels safe. I just am still trying to figure out how to help him grieve his brother who he adores while I feel so lost too. Pray for us.
I am sorry this post is such a downer but I want it to be real. These are my inner struggles. If you are here (in this stage of grief right now) with me, know you are not alone. You are never alone. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, making your way through the battle of your life, persevering, enduring, feeling and loving. I know it hurts so much because we love recklessly just as we are supposed to. I will pray for you, will you pray for me too?
