5 long months...

Its been 5 months, Shaun, since I held you in my arms, snuggled your nose, ran my fingers through your hair. Its been 5 months of keeping busy, trying to keep a brave face on, deceiving myself that I was going to be fine since I knew you were. I feel it now. Every day. Missing you. Its so hard to not have you, to not hold you, to not watch you with your brothers. I can't take pictures, I can't make sense of my life right now. Sometimes I don't even want to get up; but I do for your brothers. I immersed myself in you and now I am lost. I am trying to keep it together, to help your brothers, your daddy, our friends. Your brothers miss you too... Scottie the most. I feel so unequiped to help them. I just don't know what to do or to say when they ask "why?", especially "why Shaun?" I do my best and tell them you loved them so much and we don't always understand it. That you knew they loved you. That Jesus can heal their hurt and fill them up inside and one day we will all be a family again.  Jesus is calling to me now. Maybe because I am willing to listen. Telling me it is time to be honest, that I miss you, that its ok. To start to feel and to let the hurt out, be real with my life as I wanted others to be real with me. I wonder how I am going to face the holidays this year, since they were so sweet with you in them last. How do I put up a Christmas tree? The last time I did, you were rolling under it pulling at the lights or in your walker, trying to grab anything that was low enough for you to look at. Thanksgiving will be difficult too, as last year we went on a family trip that I am so thankful for. But nothing feels right this year. I am going to ask Jesus to help me. I need to do it for your brothers but it is going to be so hard... Shaun, it has been a battle abut I want you to know that I will not give up. That your momma is strong and that I have fight in me. I am so glad that I know our Savior, because without Him I don't know how anyone could survive. I thank Him and praise His Name for rescuing you from the broken body you were in. Thank you for being such a warrior and little missionary. You are my inspiration. I hope that I can let my light shine half as well as you did all your days. I will do my best, son. I want to point everyone I meet to Jesus just as you did. I will be running another race in two weeks and I know you will be right there with me. I long for the day we are together again my son. Know that your mommy loves you with all my heart. Save a place for me and you and Sarah dance with the Angels...

"I will bless the Lord at all times;
    his praise shall continually be in my mouth. "~Psalms 34:1
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”~ Psalms 34:18