Sunday, May 11, 2014

Rememberance Ceremony at UVA

I was asked to share Shaun's story at UVA's Remembrance ceremony for children that earned their wings in the last 2 years. It took awhile but I finally agreed since Shaun's story is one that needs to be shared. He is a fighter and champion, a witness to God's love and grace, and a missionary sent to share the love he showed all of us while he was here to the world. Trying to write Shaun's story was healing and difficult to me. What do I share? How do I stay true to him and God, yet not step all over others feelings or religious beliefs? I don't want to turn people off to his story with all my "Christian" radicalism. Shaun was not worried about what others thought of him, so then I just shared him. He is truly my inspiration and motivation. I had my mom, Kristen and friend Leigh with me at the ceremony and was able to bring 23 weighted blankets made in Shaun's honor to the PICU for children needing a little more comfort. It was amazing. I will do more reflecting as the week goes on but I wanted to post this today, Shaun's 1st Birthday being whole and with Jesus, so others can still be encouraged through our lives and know they are not alone. The grief isn't crippling if you choose to be inspired. I love you, Super Shaun!

Shaun Peter was loved from the moment we found out about him. I knew he was to do amazing things. Shaun was only alive because I had a miscarriage earlier in the year, otherwise I would not have been able to be pregnant with him. I knew he would be special. His life was like a beautiful piece of music, orchestrated by the hand of God to touch lives and is still being written as his memory goes on. He is my inspiration in hard times and his short life has taught me so much about my faith, children, relationships and myself. He has given me a new passion for life and helping others.
            Shaun was born an 8 lb. 3 oz. 21-inch bundle of joy. He was a good baby and from the moment he was born, had his older brothers wrapped around his finger. He smiled, cooed, played with his brothers, and waved at everyone he met.  He had a joy and peace that was indescribable.  All was going well until Christmas 2011, when my sister visited with her daughter who was doing a whole lot more than Shaun. She was only 3 weeks older than him. That concerned me and so we made our first trip to the doctor about development issues. After visiting the Kluge Center, my worst fears started to come to life. My baby boy was behind, and we needed to see a geneticist to cover our bases because of our family history. My husband and I lost our first born, Sarah, at 11 months. She had a disease that ravaged her body around 6 months old and despite all the doctors’ work, were not able to put their finger on the diagnosis. They thought a Mitochondrial disease was the problem, but it was so new in 2003 they were unable to give us a clear understanding or diagnosis. After a lot of genetic counseling and testing, they couldn’t pinpoint anything in us that would say we would have other affected children. We were told it probably wouldn’t happen again and so we should continue pursuing a family. Two healthy babies later, my concerns were on the back burner but then red flags started to fly.
            Shaun in the summer after his first birthday (which was a major milestone in my mind since we lost his sister before hers) was diagnosed failure to thrive. This was crushing to me as I was trying my best to nurse him as much as possible and feed him a special diet to get him to gain weight. We still did not have a diagnosis but knew he needed help getting his nutrition since his tongue wouldn’t move food correctly and he couldn’t get enough calories. He got a button placed which would become his nutritional lifeline. The staff at UVA was amazing through it all. The nurses on the floor loved him; the doctors were knowledgeable and working for us. It was comforting knowing he was in good hands and that maybe we would be able to overcome this disease this time.
He was in and out of the hospital over the next couple of months, but we were happy and he was doing ok. In January, I noticed him doing something new. It looked like seizures to me. He was having a tough time keeping his feeds down and wasn’t protecting his airway well. We got admitted and sent to the PICU. Devastation but Fight. They watched him and did a 24-hour EEG to see if there was any seizure activity that they could find. None. Thank God. But Shaun wasn’t protecting his airway so it was decided he would need a tracheostomy. Scary, but I could do it to help my baby. We went home a week later but after an MRI, we knew that Shaun had lost 20% of his brain matter. This was the same as his sister, Sarah. I knew then we had less than 5 months.  We also got a diagnosis. Mitochondrial DNA Depletion Syndrome.
            Shaun despite all he was going through continued to be a joy to our family. He went to his brother’s games and practices, was my dance partner at our church’s square dance, worked hard with all his therapies, even walked in a walker for a while.  We went on a vacation to Florida, family outings, walks, and tried to keep life as normal as possible. He was a fighter and a Champion.  May 2, as I was going into wake Shaun for his meds and to see our Hospice nurse, fear struck me. He started a seizure and it didn’t stop for hours. Grand mal is what the doctors called it. An ambulance ride, helicopter ride to UVA and medication later, they were able to quiet his brain in a medical coma. Status Epilepticus. We waited to see if he would be able to come back from this. I told him he would have to show me on a grand scale when the fight was over because his mommy was ready to fight for him forever. May 9th we tried to reduce the medication and the seizures returned. We knew this was it. Bring the family in to say goodbye.  On May 11, 2013, Shaun celebrated his real birthday, born into eternity in Heaven. Though my arms ache for him every day, I know one day I will see him again and he will not be crippled by this disease that ravaged his little body. It really was peaceful and beautiful surrounded by family, friends, music and love. This is only a small part of his rock star story.
            So what was Shaun’s mission? Shaun was put here to teach us what love is~ true unconditional passionate love. The love God has for each one of us. He taught me selflessness, compassion, and how to be a better person. He was and is still a light~ shining every heart to Jesus. He shared this joy with everyone he met, every soul his touched. He showed me Jesus in a real way. I hope that his love, the love he taught and shared will shine on in and through the days, weeks and years to come.  “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.” 1 John 3:16.
The people we met along the way were God-inspired appointments. Each nurse, doctor, teacher, therapist, friend, or stranger seemed to have a purpose in Shaun’s story. We had a lot of them. I learned so much through these people, and I hope they gained something from knowing us. I also wrote a blog while going through all this. It has been amazing the stories shared and people all over the world touched through my little man. I wanted others to know that when it seemed like they were alone, there were others who had been there or were working through it with them. I want information about this rare disorder to be brought to light and for a cure to be found. I want these children, on a special mission, to be remembered and celebrated, for it is them that did the hard work, even though we are the ones left behind with broken hearts. They wouldn’t want us to be sad, but instead be inspired.

Shaun is my motivation. A month after he lost his battle to this disease, I ran my first 5k mud race wearing my Super-Shaun outfit. He is my go. If he could put up with so much, then I could put one foot in front of the other to race for him and to tell his story. This year I plan on running a Rugar race, and a half marathon in his memory. I challenge you today, to find something that was meaningful to your loved one, something you can share with others. I am also making weighted blankets. Shaun loved his and it provided such comfort and peace at the hospital. I have made some to give to the PICU kids in Shaun’s memory as a random act of kindness. Our children were a joy in our lives, why not share that joy when others feel so alone? Shaun’s message to the world is to be a light, inspiration, and hope-pointing people to Jesus. We do not have to live in despair; we can live in hope and peace. Shaun was a little light in a dark world. I plan to keep his light shining and to compose his musical balled to completion.

Look for Shaun's story to continue because it is still inspiring


Thursday, November 14, 2013

With an attitude of Gratitude...

           



"Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise. When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say, Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your name, Jesus, Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be your glorious name.  You give and take away, You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name!"
We are coming upon the holiday season and Thanksgiving is a time where we again reflect on what we have to be grateful for. Prayers are said, thankfulness is expressed and we celebrate God’s blessings once again on Thanksgiving Day. On this day it is relatively easy to conjure up these warm feelings in our heart. Isn’t that the whole point of the day?
           As this season approaches, I am reminded that we are to recognize the blessings in our life each day. Lots are taking the Facebook challenge of 30 days of gratitude.  Thankfulness is not a once a year novelty or one month a year. I believe we need to daily cultivate a heart of thanksgiving. Scripture tells us, “Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Give thanks no matter what happens. God wants you to thank Him because you believe in Christ Jesus” (1 Thess. 5:16-18).We are to give thanks in all things, not some things, not just the great and wonderful things, but in everything
Does that mean I am thankful if my car gets totaled? Well, I can be thankful that I wasn’t hurt. What about the really tough things in life like losing a job, a home, or the death of a loved one? Ouch! Thankfulness? Seriously? Oh I know we can say the right, “spiritual” thing in such circumstances. It’s harder to have a thankful heart in the circumstance. God isn’t saying to be thankful that something awful has happened. He knows we are human, we get hurt, we lose hope, and suffer grief. No, rather he wants us to give thanks in the face of it. Paul told the Philippians "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
          Most of you know my story. What you don't know is the joy that came in the trial. When in the hospital at the end of Shaun's life, God was there and He taught me to be thankful in all things. We had just finished the Ann Voskamp study, 1000 gifts, and in it she says to live Euchristeo, Thanksgiving. So I learned to believe "God is good, and He loves me" all the time.  Then in the midst of all the trials, learning that my son had the same disease that took my daughter to heaven 9 years earlier, in the midst of my sorrow, I found myself doing a peculiar thing. I was able to be thankful.  Losing a child at any age is an unbearable burden, an indescribable despair. My sorrow was long and deep. Some moments I didn't want to or I couldn't see anything I wanted to be thankful for. In those moments I would thank God for the sun, the gift of sight, smell, touch, family. Then as my heart was opened because I was obedient to being thankful, not living in my sorrow, He let my eyes see more. I started to be thankful for Shaun's testimony, to be able to have praise music on and the nurses and doctors hear, to be able to share my hope in Jesus with people I would not have met if we were not in this situation. To live in Euchristeo. 
           I am thankful for the 23 months I had with Shaun, for the 10 months I had with Sarah. I was thankful that the nurses that were taking care of us felt God’s presence in our room. Although they didn’t understand it, they expressed what peace and love they experienced around us, that we were “different” somehow. I am thankful that God was glorified in the midst of our sorrow. I was thankful for the time God gave me with my little ones before they went to Home. I am thankful for the hope I have that I will see them whole with Jesus one day. Don't get me wrong. Its hard with the holiday season approaching. In fact I battled depression and thoughts of running away from the holidays~ not celebrating them at all. But then the still small voice inside said, "I love you. Look to Me. I will be with you. Trust me. Live in Euchristeo."  Now, today, in the face of my pain, I am able to give thanks. "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)

       Maybe this past year you are one of the millions who have lost their job, maybe your house is in foreclosure, perhaps you, like me, have lost one dear to your heart. This may be a season of grief and loss for you, but please know that you have a hope that does not disappoint. For you have a Father who understands you. He comforts the brokenhearted. He promises to never leave you or forsake you. His love is poured out upon you. "Be glad in the Lord, you righteous ones, and give thanks to His holy name." (Psalm 97:12)  His love never fails. Your sadness may last for a time, but joy will come, “But Joy comes in the morning, You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing” (Psalm 30:5). Live Euchristeo. Oh what we have to be thankful for.  Such a great God! Such a great love!

From Jesus Calling:
Let THANKFULNESS RULE in your heart. As you thank Me for blessings in your life, a marvelous thing happens. It is as if scales fall off your eyes,enabling you to see more and more of My glorious riches. With your eyes thus opened, you can help yourself to whatever you need from My treasure house. Each time you receive one of My golden gifts, let your thankfulness sing out praises to My name. "Hallelujahs" are the language of heaven, and they can become the language of your heart.
A life of praise and thankfulness become a life filled with miracles. Instead of trying to be in control, you focus on Me and what I am doing. This is the power of praise: centering your entire being in ME. This is how I created you to live, for I made you in My own image. Enjoy abundant life by overflowing with praise and thankfulness.

Colossians 3:15
"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful."

Psalm 100:4-5
4 "Enter his gates with thanksgiving
    and his courts with praise;
    give thanks to him and praise his name.
5 For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
    his faithfulness continues through all generations.''




6 months later...

Shaunie,
Its been 6 long months since I saw your face. Six months since I held you, rubbed noses with you, watched you sleep, worried about your every breath. There is blessings in the midst of this sorrow. Ones like knowing you are not struggling any longer. That you don't have to endure any more regressions, procedures, or be silenced!
I wonder daily what you are doing, how old you are, do you remember me? I wonder what songs you sing to Jesus, if you wave at Him like you did us. I wonder if you are with your siblings and they look out for you. Is it all you hoped and more? We are learning to be here separated from you. We know it is only for a time but you are forever part of us. We look forward to the day we are reunited again, my Son. Your brothers think of you daily. Scott names each of his treasured possessions after you. He loves you so. He sends kisses to heaven for you and Sarah each night and pulls his heart string to keep you close. You were his baby. Stephen writes stories about you, things you did together, but mostly how he misses you. You had a deep impact on his life. Thank you for making them better people for knowing you. I ma proud of you my son. I am looking forward to the day we are together again. But until that day, forgive me for missing you, because some of my heart died with you that day. Save a place for me, Son, for we will be there soon....






What a difference a year makes...
take nothing for granted but be thankful in all things!!!

Monday, October 21, 2013

Inspiration.... Continues....

This past weekend I ran in the Blue Ridge Hospice 5k to support Camp Hope for siblings/children who have loved ones that passed away. I want to thank everyone that had a hand in it from financial support, emotional support, running with me, to well wishes and motivation.  I was able with your help to raise over $500 in Shaun's honor to donate to the Hospice fund. Shaun would be proud and thankful and so am I. With you behind me, I was able to run the race on a track I had not previously ran in 24 minutes and 53 seconds, to get 37th place overall and come in 11th for women.  This is the second best time I have ever put up for a 5k and I believe it was Shaun inspiring me each step and your motivation keeping me going. It was a beautiful morning for a race, starting out chilly, but by race time~ perfect weather.  The venue was picturesque, being at Blandy Farm and Arboretum~ Shaun would have loved looking at all the trees and watching the leaves dance to the ground. There were many people who showed up to support the SuperShaun team including my good friends, Becca Wallace (her brother in law, Victor), Angela Pelleman, Vickie Trapnell (her daughter in law, Melodie), Sandra Stitch, Kerry McKenna, Carmen Schlosser (her brother and sister too), and Tam and Leigh from Shaun's hospice team also ran sporting SuperShaun logos. Also I had a cheering section of some of the most important people, Peter, Stephen, Scottie, and Tim(step-dad). It was great to have them at the end cheering me on. The boys even ran with me, sprinting to the finish! It was great. Then we would walk back to the last 200 yards and as people we knew finished, we would run with them and finish too! It was fabulous.
 As pictures are posted, I will update. Thank you all again for supporting us and our healing process. I plan to run many more races this year in Shaun's honor but none mean as much to our family as this one. Thank you.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

5 long months...

Its been 5 months, Shaun, since I held you in my arms, snuggled your nose, ran my fingers through your hair. Its been 5 months of keeping busy, trying to keep a brave face on, deceiving myself that I was going to be fine since I knew you were. I feel it now. Every day. Missing you. Its so hard to not have you, to not hold you, to not watch you with your brothers. I can't take pictures, I can't make sense of my life right now. Sometimes I don't even want to get up; but I do for your brothers. I immersed myself in you and now I am lost. I am trying to keep it together, to help your brothers, your daddy, our friends. Your brothers miss you too... Scottie the most. I feel so unequiped to help them. I just don't know what to do or to say when they ask "why?", especially "why Shaun?" I do my best and tell them you loved them so much and we don't always understand it. That you knew they loved you. That Jesus can heal their hurt and fill them up inside and one day we will all be a family again.  Jesus is calling to me now. Maybe because I am willing to listen. Telling me it is time to be honest, that I miss you, that its ok. To start to feel and to let the hurt out, be real with my life as I wanted others to be real with me. I wonder how I am going to face the holidays this year, since they were so sweet with you in them last. How do I put up a Christmas tree? The last time I did, you were rolling under it pulling at the lights or in your walker, trying to grab anything that was low enough for you to look at. Thanksgiving will be difficult too, as last year we went on a family trip that I am so thankful for. But nothing feels right this year. I am going to ask Jesus to help me. I need to do it for your brothers but it is going to be so hard... Shaun, it has been a battle abut I want you to know that I will not give up. That your momma is strong and that I have fight in me. I am so glad that I know our Savior, because without Him I don't know how anyone could survive. I thank Him and praise His Name for rescuing you from the broken body you were in. Thank you for being such a warrior and little missionary. You are my inspiration. I hope that I can let my light shine half as well as you did all your days. I will do my best, son. I want to point everyone I meet to Jesus just as you did. I will be running another race in two weeks and I know you will be right there with me. I long for the day we are together again my son. Know that your mommy loves you with all my heart. Save a place for me and you and Sarah dance with the Angels...

"I will bless the Lord at all times;
    his praise shall continually be in my mouth. "~Psalms 34:1
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”~ Psalms 34:18

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Another run in Shaun's Honor...

I am running this race with a team of people in Shaun's honor this year. I want to flood the course with SuperShaun shirts!  Its a 5K at Blandy Farm and State Arboretum.  Blue Ridge Hospice and its staff helped Shaunie more than they know, and continue to help our family through the grieving process. Stephen was able to go to the Camp free of charge this race provides. Please consider donating to this organization or sponsoring me as a runner. I took the Challenge and would love to say, "Here is this check, above and beyond, in SuperShaun's honor." A way he can continue giving back and on to other children, like his brothers. You can sponsor me online or send a check my mail. Thanks for considering and helping support a fantastic cause.

http://www.brhospice.org/5K/

I ran a race on September 28 with the boys and we wore our Shaunie Shirts... This was the first race the boys were able to participate in and they loved it! Stephen came in 4th and Scottie was right in the middle of the pack. I was so proud of them. It is nice to share something especially that is healthy and physical with them both. I hope to run many more with them too! They told everyone that they were running on the SuperShaun team and for their little brother who is in heaven. They are so proud of him. And I am of them! Look for more Team SuperShaun runs and come out and join us! We would love to share this time with you.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

New changes...

Yet again there is change in the Steyaert house. Yet again I can feel the twisting pain of not having my boy with me. Scott and Stephen both started school and so the house is quiet while they are gone. Too quiet. This is supposed to be the time I spend with Shaun alone, bonding with him like no other time. Tending to him, loving on him, kissing his sweet nose, teaching him. Instead its all memories, lost dreams, empty arms and a giant hole in my heart. I miss my boy. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah  29:11. This verse gives me not only comfort but direction. God has a plan. Even though I cannot see it fully, it is there and it is to give me hope! I went through my pictures of 2012 yesterday, and what I saw shocked me. These pictures are the way I remember Shaunie. His last months here were so hard and his little body so weak. I didn't want to see it then. I don't know any mother that would. But I can sure see it now. The nasty disease ravaged him and took him away, starting months earlier.  His smile lost. His kisses missing. His life so hard. Keeping his breathing and heart rate regulated a chore. Although my heart aches for my little sweet boy, it will sing of the day we are together again and he is WHOLE! I believe this because in John 14 Jesus says, " There are many rooms in my Father's house. I would not tell you this if it were not true. I am going there to prepare a place for you, I will come back. Then I will take you to be with me so that you may be where I am." And in Revelation 21 it says, "Now God's home is with men. He will live with them, and they will be his people. God Himself will be with them and will be their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will be no more deaths, sadness, crying or pain. All the old ways are gone." This will be a great day! One I can't wait for. But until then I will try to keep living this life as an offering to God, teaching my children of His love and forgiveness and praying that they too will be one day in Heaven with me to experience this joy that is promised to us. I will keep running in Shaun's honor, living to the best of my ability, loving recklessly, striving to let his little light shine on through my life to everyone we meet.