With an attitude of Gratitude...

           

"Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise. When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say, Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your name, Jesus, Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be your glorious name.  You give and take away, You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name!"

We are coming upon the holiday season and Thanksgiving is a time where we again reflect on what we have to be grateful for. Prayers are said, thankfulness is expressed and we celebrate God’s blessings once again on Thanksgiving Day. On this day it is relatively easy to conjure up these warm feelings in our heart. Isn’t that the whole point of the day?

           As this season approaches, I am reminded that we are to recognize the blessings in our life each day. Lots are taking the Facebook challenge of 30 days of gratitude.  Thankfulness is not a once a year novelty or one month a year. I believe we need to daily cultivate a heart of thanksgiving. Scripture tells us, “Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Give thanks no matter what happens. God wants you to thank Him because you believe in Christ Jesus” (1 Thess. 5:16-18).We are to give thanks in all things, not some things, not just the great and wonderful things, but in everything. 

Does that mean I am thankful if my car gets totaled? Well, I can be thankful that I wasn’t hurt. What about the really tough things in life like losing a job, a home, or the death of a loved one? Ouch! Thankfulness? Seriously? Oh I know we can say the right, “spiritual” thing in such circumstances. It’s harder to have a thankful heart in the circumstance. God isn’t saying to be thankful that something awful has happened. He knows we are human, we get hurt, we lose hope, and suffer grief. No, rather he wants us to give thanks in the face of it. Paul told the Philippians "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

          Most of you know my story. What you don't know is the joy that came in the trial. When in the hospital at the end of Shaun's life, God was there and He taught me to be thankful in all things. We had just finished the Ann Voskamp study, 1000 gifts, and in it she says to live Euchristeo, Thanksgiving. So I learned to believe "God is good, and He loves me" all the time.  Then in the midst of all the trials, learning that my son had the same disease that took my daughter to heaven 9 years earlier, in the midst of my sorrow, I found myself doing a peculiar thing. I was able to be thankful.  Losing a child at any age is an unbearable burden, an indescribable despair. My sorrow was long and deep. Some moments I didn't want to or I couldn't see anything I wanted to be thankful for. In those moments I would thank God for the sun, the gift of sight, smell, touch, family. Then as my heart was opened because I was obedient to being thankful, not living in my sorrow, He let my eyes see more. I started to be thankful for Shaun's testimony, to be able to have praise music on and the nurses and doctors hear, to be able to share my hope in Jesus with people I would not have met if we were not in this situation. To live in Euchristeo. 

           I am thankful for the 23 months I had with Shaun, for the 10 months I had with Sarah. I was thankful that the nurses that were taking care of us felt God’s presence in our room. Although they didn’t understand it, they expressed what peace and love they experienced around us, that we were “different” somehow. I am thankful that God was glorified in the midst of our sorrow. I was thankful for the time God gave me with my little ones before they went to Home. I am thankful for the hope I have that I will see them whole with Jesus one day. Don't get me wrong. Its hard with the holiday season approaching. In fact I battled depression and thoughts of running away from the holidays~ not celebrating them at all. But then the still small voice inside said, "I love you. Look to Me. I will be with you. Trust me. Live in Euchristeo."  Now, today, in the face of my pain, I am able to give thanks. "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)

       Maybe this past year you are one of the millions who have lost their job, maybe your house is in foreclosure, perhaps you, like me, have lost one dear to your heart. This may be a season of grief and loss for you, but please know that you have a hope that does not disappoint. For you have a Father who understands you. He comforts the brokenhearted. He promises to never leave you or forsake you. His love is poured out upon you. "Be glad in the Lord, you righteous ones, and give thanks to His holy name." (Psalm 97:12)  His love never fails. Your sadness may last for a time, but joy will come, “But Joy comes in the morning, You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing” (Psalm 30:5). Live Euchristeo. Oh what we have to be thankful for.  Such a great God! Such a great love!

From Jesus Calling:

Let THANKFULNESS RULE in your heart. As you thank Me for blessings in your life, a marvelous thing happens. It is as if scales fall off your eyes,enabling you to see more and more of My glorious riches. With your eyes thus opened, you can help yourself to whatever you need from My treasure house. Each time you receive one of My golden gifts, let your thankfulness sing out praises to My name. "Hallelujahs" are the language of heaven, and they can become the language of your heart.

A life of praise and thankfulness become a life filled with miracles. Instead of trying to be in control, you focus on Me and what I am doing. This is the power of praise: centering your entire being in ME. This is how I created you to live, for I made you in My own image. Enjoy abundant life by overflowing with praise and thankfulness.

Colossians 3:15

"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful."

Psalm 100:4-5

4 "Enter his gates with thanksgiving

    and his courts with praise;

    give thanks to him and praise his name.

5 For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;

    his faithfulness continues through all generations.''

6 months later...

Shaunie,

Its been 6 long months since I saw your face. Six months since I held you, rubbed noses with you, watched you sleep, worried about your every breath. There is blessings in the midst of this sorrow. Ones like knowing you are not struggling any longer. That you don't have to endure any more regressions, procedures, or be silenced!

I wonder daily what you are doing, how old you are, do you remember me? I wonder what songs you sing to Jesus, if you wave at Him like you did us. I wonder if you are with your siblings and they look out for you. Is it all you hoped and more? We are learning to be here separated from you. We know it is only for a time but you are forever part of us. We look forward to the day we are reunited again, my Son. Your brothers think of you daily. Scott names each of his treasured possessions after you. He loves you so. He sends kisses to heaven for you and Sarah each night and pulls his heart string to keep you close. You were his baby. Stephen writes stories about you, things you did together, but mostly how he misses you. You had a deep impact on his life. Thank you for making them better people for knowing you. I ma proud of you my son. I am looking forward to the day we are together again. But until that day, forgive me for missing you, because some of my heart died with you that day. Save a place for me, Son, for we will be there soon....

What a difference a year makes...

take nothing for granted but be thankful in all things!!!

Inspiration.... Continues....

This past weekend I ran in the Blue Ridge Hospice 5k to support Camp Hope for siblings/children who have loved ones that passed away. I want to thank everyone that had a hand in it from financial support, emotional support, running with me, to well wishes and motivation.  I was able with your help to raise over $500 in Shaun's honor to donate to the Hospice fund. Shaun would be proud and thankful and so am I. With you behind me, I was able to run the race on a track I had not previously ran in 24 minutes and 53 seconds, to get 37th place overall and come in 11th for women.  This is the second best time I have ever put up for a 5k and I believe it was Shaun inspiring me each step and your motivation keeping me going. It was a beautiful morning for a race, starting out chilly, but by race time~ perfect weather.  The venue was picturesque, being at Blandy Farm and Arboretum~ Shaun would have loved looking at all the trees and watching the leaves dance to the ground. There were many people who showed up to support the SuperShaun team including my good friends, Becca Wallace (her brother in law, Victor), Angela Pelleman, Vickie Trapnell (her daughter in law, Melodie), Sandra Stitch, Kerry McKenna, Carmen Schlosser (her brother and sister too), and Tam and Leigh from Shaun's hospice team also ran sporting SuperShaun logos. Also I had a cheering section of some of the most important people, Peter, Stephen, Scottie, and Tim(step-dad). It was great to have them at the end cheering me on. The boys even ran with me, sprinting to the finish! It was great. Then we would walk back to the last 200 yards and as people we knew finished, we would run with them and finish too! It was fabulous.
 As pictures are posted, I will update. Thank you all again for supporting us and our healing process. I plan to run many more races this year in Shaun's honor but none mean as much to our family as this one. Thank you.

5 long months...

Its been 5 months, Shaun, since I held you in my arms, snuggled your nose, ran my fingers through your hair. Its been 5 months of keeping busy, trying to keep a brave face on, deceiving myself that I was going to be fine since I knew you were. I feel it now. Every day. Missing you. Its so hard to not have you, to not hold you, to not watch you with your brothers. I can't take pictures, I can't make sense of my life right now. Sometimes I don't even want to get up; but I do for your brothers. I immersed myself in you and now I am lost. I am trying to keep it together, to help your brothers, your daddy, our friends. Your brothers miss you too... Scottie the most. I feel so unequiped to help them. I just don't know what to do or to say when they ask "why?", especially "why Shaun?" I do my best and tell them you loved them so much and we don't always understand it. That you knew they loved you. That Jesus can heal their hurt and fill them up inside and one day we will all be a family again.  Jesus is calling to me now. Maybe because I am willing to listen. Telling me it is time to be honest, that I miss you, that its ok. To start to feel and to let the hurt out, be real with my life as I wanted others to be real with me. I wonder how I am going to face the holidays this year, since they were so sweet with you in them last. How do I put up a Christmas tree? The last time I did, you were rolling under it pulling at the lights or in your walker, trying to grab anything that was low enough for you to look at. Thanksgiving will be difficult too, as last year we went on a family trip that I am so thankful for. But nothing feels right this year. I am going to ask Jesus to help me. I need to do it for your brothers but it is going to be so hard... Shaun, it has been a battle abut I want you to know that I will not give up. That your momma is strong and that I have fight in me. I am so glad that I know our Savior, because without Him I don't know how anyone could survive. I thank Him and praise His Name for rescuing you from the broken body you were in. Thank you for being such a warrior and little missionary. You are my inspiration. I hope that I can let my light shine half as well as you did all your days. I will do my best, son. I want to point everyone I meet to Jesus just as you did. I will be running another race in two weeks and I know you will be right there with me. I long for the day we are together again my son. Know that your mommy loves you with all my heart. Save a place for me and you and Sarah dance with the Angels...

"I will bless the Lord at all times;
    his praise shall continually be in my mouth. "~Psalms 34:1
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”~ Psalms 34:18

Another run in Shaun's Honor...

I am running this race with a team of people in Shaun's honor this year. I want to flood the course with SuperShaun shirts!  Its a 5K at Blandy Farm and State Arboretum.  Blue Ridge Hospice and its staff helped Shaunie more than they know, and continue to help our family through the grieving process. Stephen was able to go to the Camp free of charge this race provides. Please consider donating to this organization or sponsoring me as a runner. I took the Challenge and would love to say, "Here is this check, above and beyond, in SuperShaun's honor." A way he can continue giving back and on to other children, like his brothers. You can sponsor me online or send a check my mail. Thanks for considering and helping support a fantastic cause.

http://www.brhospice.org/5K/

I ran a race on September 28 with the boys and we wore our Shaunie Shirts... This was the first race the boys were able to participate in and they loved it! Stephen came in 4th and Scottie was right in the middle of the pack. I was so proud of them. It is nice to share something especially that is healthy and physical with them both. I hope to run many more with them too! They told everyone that they were running on the SuperShaun team and for their little brother who is in heaven. They are so proud of him. And I am of them! Look for more Team SuperShaun runs and come out and join us! We would love to share this time with you.

New changes...

Yet again there is change in the Steyaert house. Yet again I can feel the twisting pain of not having my boy with me. Scott and Stephen both started school and so the house is quiet while they are gone. Too quiet. This is supposed to be the time I spend with Shaun alone, bonding with him like no other time. Tending to him, loving on him, kissing his sweet nose, teaching him. Instead its all memories, lost dreams, empty arms and a giant hole in my heart. I miss my boy. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah  29:11. This verse gives me not only comfort but direction. God has a plan. Even though I cannot see it fully, it is there and it is to give me hope! I went through my pictures of 2012 yesterday, and what I saw shocked me. These pictures are the way I remember Shaunie. His last months here were so hard and his little body so weak. I didn't want to see it then. I don't know any mother that would. But I can sure see it now. The nasty disease ravaged him and took him away, starting months earlier.  His smile lost. His kisses missing. His life so hard. Keeping his breathing and heart rate regulated a chore. Although my heart aches for my little sweet boy, it will sing of the day we are together again and he is WHOLE! I believe this because in John 14 Jesus says, " There are many rooms in my Father's house. I would not tell you this if it were not true. I am going there to prepare a place for you, I will come back. Then I will take you to be with me so that you may be where I am." And in Revelation 21 it says, "Now God's home is with men. He will live with them, and they will be his people. God Himself will be with them and will be their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will be no more deaths, sadness, crying or pain. All the old ways are gone." This will be a great day! One I can't wait for. But until then I will try to keep living this life as an offering to God, teaching my children of His love and forgiveness and praying that they too will be one day in Heaven with me to experience this joy that is promised to us. I will keep running in Shaun's honor, living to the best of my ability, loving recklessly, striving to let his little light shine on through my life to everyone we meet.

And the days go on...

The big boys and I just returned from a trip to Ohio to visit my sister. The reality that we are not the same was more than evident as even going in the car on a ride all together was possible. Mixed blessings. I am so glad to be able to do this stuff with the big boys and Shaun would want us to have fun, but the reality is that I feel incomplete~ all the time. The easiest way I can explain this is to think of your children and then pretend one was gone for good. Never to hold, feed, change, kiss, cuddle, run after, yell at~ again. This is my reality every day.  I am supposed to be raising "my three sons." Instead there are only 2 (wonderful, beautiful, full of life boys, but only 2). We were able to go to the park, play all day, go to the pool and swim, not have to worry about naps, feeding schedules, due meds, if Shaun could stand the heat~ but I would take it back in a heartbeat. Instead, we built my sister a garden, took walks around the block, ran more than I have all summer, went to Peter's bike races, and enjoyed sleeping in and staying up late. I even was able to go on an overnight "date" (thanks Rache!) with my hubby and some adult friends to Cedar Point Amusement Park and ride roller coasters all day.  It was good... and sad. My sister Rachel's children and ours are all around the same age, girl 8~ Stephen 7, boy 5~ Scott 4, girl 2~ Shaun should be 2 (3 weeks apart). I wouldn't want to bring Shaun back from the glory and the awesomeness that he is in right now, "dancing with angels" and singing and laughing and running around, but at the same time as each day goes by, I feel it more. More real. More loss. More sadness. More longing for the day we will be together again. And I do believe with all that I am we will be together again. Jesus tells us in John 14 that in His Father's house there are many rooms and that He "goes to prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you with Me that you may also be where I am." This makes me think of the song, Save a place for me by Matthew West. It is beautiful. Listen to it, these are the thoughts that I feel. My beautiful Shaun, I love you and can't wait to be there with you and your sister.

Scottie has turned a little. I am so thankful for the ladies in the Hospice. They are amazing and help me with him so much. Right now our struggle is both anger and clingy-ness. His anger comes out in frustration and yelling which leads to crying and missing Shaunie. Otherwise, he doesn't want to be anywhere without me, wants to sleep with us, and also is becoming shy~ which is different from my "look at me! I am a rough and tumble boy!" little man. I know this is normal, but it hard to be patient and kind and graceful all the time. And I don't think we should be all the time. He may be wondering and needing hard lines, lines not to cross, so he feels safe. I just am still trying to figure out how to help him grieve his brother who he adores while I feel so lost too. Pray for us.

I am sorry this post is such a downer but I want it to be real. These are my inner struggles.  If you are here (in this stage of grief right now) with me, know you are not alone. You are never alone. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, making your way through the battle of your life, persevering, enduring, feeling and loving. I know it hurts so much because we love recklessly just as we are supposed to.  I will pray for you, will you pray for me too?

Continuing to Inspire~ One Tough Mud Race...

Acts 20:24
However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.

I thought it would be good to start exercising again and running is the way I learned that helps me cope with things. Pounding the pavement, praying, singing, going to exhaustion and pushing a little further... I think "If Shaun could put up with what he had to, I can keep my legs moving a little longer."

I decided soon after he passed that I needed a goal to reach so I would keep up with running. My goal was doing a mud run. Before this, I hadn't experienced a mud run. I am addicted now. You run a set course, in my case I look for 5K's, that have obstacles thrown in. It breaks up the running, adds a new set of challenges, both physically and mentally, and is fun!

I got a team together, the SuperShaun team, to run in Shaun's honor, made up of friends, neighbors and family. We even had a cheering section. We had Joe, ,Marcy, Joyce, Me, Mike, Jeremy, Amy and Janice run. We all were at different physical levels so we did our best but came across together at the end. It was a blast. I finished 3rd overall for women, but not sure the time. The other two girls started before me so who knows what would have happened... that wasn't the point of the race though. It was to get dirty and see how far you could push yourself.   Like I said earlier, I used Shaun as my inspiration and will continue for the rest of my life.

 Slip and slide

 Mud pit

 Mud Mountain

 Supporters

I am now signed up for another mud run, LosiLu in Fredrick, MD. Shaun will continue to inspire this Momma and push me to continue fighting the good fight and racing to the end. I love you SuperShaun!!

When an athlete decides to run a marathon or race, he or she commits to serious training. Why would it be any different with our spiritual life? These passages challenge Christians to understand the Christian life as a race: a long-term commitment that is more successful when we "train" ourselves daily with Bible study, prayer, and other spiritual disciplines. Running helps me put spiritual truths to my life.  When Jesus was talking about taking up your cross and following Him, it wasn't pretty. He was spit upon, dirty, whipped, thirsty. This is how I felt during the race.  But, like He did, I kept putting one foot in front of the other, pushing to the end. I hope to inspire you too, not only to get healthy physically but also spiritually as life is the race that really matters.

2 timothy 4:7

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

1 Corinthians 9:24-27
24 Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.  Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

Music...

Music has played a vital role in much of this process with Shaun. When he was in the hospital we played music. He calmed to music of his aquarium. The first song he really connected with a song was "Row, row, row Your Boat" with our favorite teacher at UVA. She taught him that it went this way:

Row row row your boat, gently down the stream,
if an alligator comes, don't forget to scream, "AAAHHHH!!"
She would then put Shaun's hands on his cheeks and while he could he would mimic the sound and screech too. It was beautiful.

We had music therapy through Blue Ridge Hospice to try and help him feel better. Leigh is amazing. We would mix things up a lot, from playing guitar to other musical instruments  to listening to recordings and playing with colored scarves. He loved the ocean drum the most. Our favorite songs to sing to him were "Jesus Loves You," "You are my Sunshine" and "Over the Rainbow". Every time we met we sung these. He, even up to the end, loved to feel the vibrations of  someone strumming the guitar. Ms. Erin also would play the guitar for him and sing lovely songs, "10000 Reasons" by Matt Redman being one of our favorites.
Part of my healing process has happened through the continual playing of music. The songs that mean the most to me right now, here where I am are "I can only imagine", "Homesick", "I will Rise" and "Dancing with the Angels". These are amazing songs most of being in Heaven. I pray and believe that he is having a fantastic time with his sister dancing and singing with the Angels.
Shaun's swansong is "This little Light of Mine." The name says it all. He is a little light in a darkening world. His life points to Jesus. His spirit, his love, his eyes, all show of the Father up above.
"This little light of mine, I'm gonna let him shine.
This little light of mine, I'm gonna let him shine.
This little light of mine, I'm gonna let him shine.
Shine, Shine, Shine."
"Shine until Jesus comes, I'm gonna let him shine.
Shine until Jesus comes, I'm gonna let him shine.
Shine until Jesus comes, I'm gonna let him shine.
Shine, Shine, Shine!"