3 weeks.

Today is 3 weeks. 3 weeks since I held my baby, loved on his hands, caressed his face, eskimo kissed his nose, sang to him, rocked him, prayed over him... and all the other stuff like gave him meds, changed his trach, bathed him, combed his hair, all the normal things. I am having a hard time with the normal stuff to do, like take Stephen to baseball, school functions, or even having people over.  Everything I do reminds me that he his not here. But the really hard time is when his brothers cry that they miss him. This is what I feared the most. I feel so unequipped to handle these situations. I tell them it is ok to cry, to miss their brother. But Shaunie wouldn't want us to be sad over him. He is having a great time playing with Sarah in Heaven, seeing Jesus, playing with all the animals. Then we talk about what they might be doing, and about the fun things we remember doing with him here. This seems to help a little. I also feel guilt. This is because I can do so much more right now, I mean things I take for granted, like going to the grocery store. It makes me melt down on the inside. I haven't gone to the grocery store for months. Then I can. I wish I couldn't.  Some days are great. We get a lot done, have fun with the kids, make memories, just like I want to. I even took the boys to Stephen's "Around the World" night at school. It wasn't bad~ I just missed him. So I have started running again as a way of letting the feelings out. I am not good at it right now as it has been years since I ran but I am doing it and feeling a little stronger every day. An outlet is what I needed... I think. Time to think, or not to. Time to process things by myself, or not to. And getting in shape is a big goal... Since my Hubby is taking us (him and me) to Greece in September. This will be good. We will reestablish a relationship that has taken the back burner for too long. It is important. I look forward to it! Until we are together again... WE love you SuperShaun!!!

I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” 

Revelation 21: 2-4 NIV