these days are hard...

I don't know where to start... Going through, day by day, swimming lessons with the boys, dinners, lunch, laundry, sweeping, working outside, playing and running with the kids... these things are all good, they are all needed. But when the quiet comes, my heart starts feeling the pain, the loss, the emptiness of my "Bugs." I miss him so much in those moments. Or in the moments when I look around and other mom's are holding their children. I feel the empty arms. I look back at pictures, video clips and in the recordings of my mind. I say, if I knew what I know now, how much more would I have done to make those last moments better? Would I have sent Stephen to school the days prior? Would I have let the nurses stay with him instead of me sitting up with him? I should have rocked him more, sang more to him, kissed his sweet face, memorized it more. One of the things I hate the most is that my memory is fading a little... that I don't see the image of my baby as sharp as I used to. I can't feel him give me kisses, grip my finger, or make his terridactal sounds. Yet, I do remember so much, and am so thankful for all the pictures and video clips we have together. I wish I had more of Sarah. The big boys miss Shaun so much too. Scottie at night blows kisses to his brother and then "catches" and rubbs in the kisses Shaun sends back to him. He cuddles in his "big Blankey" to be hugged by Shaun. Stephen cries most nights to sleep, missing Shaun and wishing he could have met his big sister. I have him write or draw and this seems to help some. He also has one of Shaun's blankey's and a heart made from one of his onesies.  But they know he is missing and I really don't feel like I am equipped to help them through when I am missing him so much too.

Death has become a reality to them yet they are to young to really understand it. Scott says he wants to die so he can go see Shaun in Heaven. Really he just misses his brother and doesn't know that it means he will not come back. The other night, I was in the basement after putting the boys to bed and Scott woke up. He looked around for me and couldn't find me. Then when I went to him because he was crying he told me that the thought I had died and he was alone. This was hard to swallow. He really doesn't understand. At swimming lessons, I went through our pool bag and there was the stuff we used to tape up Shaun's tube so he could get into the water. I couldn't throw it away but it is so hard to look at. The boys noticed it too and I redirected them instead of being sad, we decided Shaun must be swimming in Heaven, in a pool or a fun river hole with all the animals. Scott said he would teach him one day when he got to see him again how to blow bubbles. I love their innocence and pure love for each other. When swimming lessons were over today, Stephen lead Scottie back to me, hand in hand, smiling and laughing all the way. I know God gave me these two special kids in the middle of the others so that I would be able to make it through, and have a glimpse of what we mean to our Heavenly Father. Shaun and Sarah both finished their tasks here so quickly but really I am the lucky one to have been able to call them my children and be charged with their care for their short time. Until I see you again, sweet Children. Your mommy loves you with all my heart.

What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Mark 8:36 NIV

Shaun taught me that time with people, relationship, love, those are the things that matter. Not what your ability is, what you have or don't have, its what is on the inside that counts. God is the same way. He loves you for who He created you to be. Shaun was created to touch many lives. I will do my best to see that mission through.

John 14 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. 2 My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 4 You know the way to the place where I am going.”

This section of John 14 is comforting to my soul. Jesus is telling us that He has gone to prepare a place for us, His bride! I will be so excited on that day He comes back and wipes away every tear and takes away all the pain of this world. I wait in eager expectation of His return and our reunion with those gone before us. I can't wait to see Shaun and Sarah, what they look like, sound like, feel like, whole and in new bodies. I can't wait to meet their sibling, the one I lost before our pregnancy with Shaun. I can't wait, but I will. And I will do my best to make every day a good one for us left behind to finish our work, run our race, and make great memories while doing so.

25 “All this I have spoken while still with you. 26 But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. 27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Thank you, Jesus, for leaving us the Holy Spirit to guide us. Help me to be still, to listen with a willing heart, to be open to your leading. Forgive me when I am stubborn, if I am not quiet, and when I am angry. Pour out your peace upon me. Thank you for that gift. Thank you for teaching me what Your peace that surpasses understanding really is. Help me to continue to hide in Your wings. In Jesus's name, Amen.