Hindsight is 20/20... and the Visions

About 2 months ago, Shaun and I had a talk. We were rocking in his room before nap and talked. I cried as I told him that I knew the day would come that he would be tired. That he would need to go home. And I told him that it would be ok. He just needed to tell me when. And he needed to show me in a big way. Then we rocked and rocked. He fell asleep on me. It was perfect.

About a week later, I was holding his hand as he was falling asleep for nap. The sense of touching Sarah when she passed, cold and stiff, came over me and I cried.

Then he got sick yet again. We went to the hospital. We talked about bucket lists. What did I want to have before he went home? I hadn't really thought about that.  I thought we were going to make it through summer because Shaun is strong in the summer. He doesn't get sick. He doesn't get colds. What would I want? I want a family picture. I want his hand prints. Foot prints. I want to go camping and make s'mores. I want lasting memories. So with help of others, his hospice team, therapists, friends and family we started making some of these things happen. I felt a sense of urgency. I needed to do it now or I wouldn't get it.

We made handprint and footprint butterflies. We made hand and foot molds. We took a snapshot of our family sitting in front of our house. We made S'mores with friends in the backyard. It was good.

Then the unimaginable happened.... I went in to wake my boy up for the morning and got him out of bed. As I laid him down on the floor to change his diaper and get dressed. As I did this, I saw a change. "What is happening Shaun?" I asked him. Tam, his Hospice nurse was looking concerned. Then his eyes went glassy. "What's wrong, Shaun? I love you." My voice pleading. Then it started. Slow and little at first. I picked him up. "What's wrong with him, Tam?" Looking for answers. She said "It is what you think. Just let him do it but you can hold him. I am going to get some medicine." The seizures got stronger and stronger and I looked to my little boy and told him, "Its going to be ok. Mommy is with you. I love you." It continued for what seemed to be ages and still got stronger and stronger.  The medicine wasn't working. Call Peter... "Shaun, Mommy knows your tired. Mommy loves you. Your brothers love you. Daddy loves you. Its ok. We will be ok. You can go home if you need to. I love you. I love you." Tears streaming. Heart breaking, pounding. Call Joy. Talk to the neurologist. She says "Call 911." Now in GO Mode.

As we were in the hospital, down at UVA, God gave me a vision. Every time I closed my eyes during the time that he was in a medical coma, I had this vision. It was sitting in the front of my eyes. In front of my nose. Right at the space you see when you close your eyes. A white robed man would be sitting. Halos of light shining all around. Dark hair, long but not too long. A face, one I can't make out completely, but a calming face. Shaun sitting on His lap. Talking and laughing. For a week he was there. For a week I could see him laughing and talking with this Man. I was comforted. It was AWESOME. When we took Shaun almost completely off of the pentobarbital, the vision disappeared. He was waking from the coma. God sent him back. His eyes opened only partially, but still opened. They weren't empty. They were pleading. I knew it was time. Call mom, Shaun's Grandma, and tell her to come.

The doctors came in. They tell me that while awake, eyes open, he is still in Status Epilepticus. There is nothing more they can do. Call and tell whoever needs to come to come. So with tears streaming, heart wrenching, eyes puffy and sore, I choke the words~ "It's time. You need to come. He's going Home soon."

Another vision came to me earlier this month while Shaun was again taking a nap... Maybe this is because my soul is quiet when the house is. Jesus was talking to many children... I couldn't see them but they were surrounding Him. Jesus said to the children, "I have a very important mission. It will be full of suffering but great things will happen. Who will go?" Every child looked around. Then in the middle of them, Shaun stood up... He was about his size now. He was wearing a green and white short sleeved romper. His hair was long and blond. His face was smiling and sweet. He stood up and with arm high in the air, said, "I will. I will go. Send me." Jesus took him by the hand and hugged him. It was amazing.

The vision of Shaun sitting on Jesus's lap, talking with Him, was so comforting to me. "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these." Once again these words pour comfort into my soul. Jesus tells us that His heart is for the children.   What were they talking about? Perhaps Shaun was asking Jesus to look after his family and telling him stories of the silly things his brothers have done.  Perhaps Jesus was telling Shaun, "Well done, my good and faithful servant! You have completed your mission."  When I think about the road we have been down together - and why I would be given these glimpses into something that is more than this world, I can only surmise that God showed me what I needed to see in order to continue pouring out myself to help Shaun on his mission... and to understand what He has done and is doing through the precious, short life of my son.

So what is Shaun's mission? Shaun was put here to teach us what love is~ true unconditional passionate love.  Love that God had for Jesus. Love that God has for us. He taught selflessness, compassion, how to be a better person. He wants to be a light~ shining every heart to Jesus. He shared his joy with everyone he met, every soul his heart touched. I hope that his love, the love he taught and shared, will shine through in each and every person reading this, all that knew him, and those that didn't,  passing on and on through the days, weeks and years to come. "Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren." 1John 3:16.

Great is His faithfulness,
Great is His faithfulness,
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed thy hand has provided.
Great is thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.


Service arrangements and "In Lieu of Flowers" coming soon.