One Week.

John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

Today was one week. One week since I was able to hold my boy. One week since I could look at his sweet face. One week since I could sing to him, rock him, love on him, kiss his sweet cheeks. One week for my arms to feel empty. Today was hard. This past week has been filled with preparations for the Shaun Celebration, busyness of family and friends over all the time, keeping my mind occupied on other things. Today it wasn't as much. I had more time to stop and think. I miss my routines I was in. I miss all the people we see on weekly basis.  I can't seem to bring myself to go to Stephen's baseball games, school functions, or even the grocery store as I know there will be people there who will ask how we are doing. Fine I would say, but I am not fine. I hate going out. Especially to places I would bring Shaun. That's everywhere. I miss my little boy. His sweetness. His love. His face. With tears rolling, I miss him. I haven't cried much this past week, but today I did. It was real today. The nights stink too. When I am not past exhaustion when I try to go to sleep, I relive the last hours of Shaun's life. I can feel him cold, hear his last breath, see his color drain from him. I hate these memories. Pray for me.
Jesus tells us to cast all our cares upon Him. This is what I am doing; or at least trying to do. I know the next few weeks are going to be hard. We are going to have to establish a new normal. This is not something that I look forward to, but I will do it to the best of my ability as this is what healing is and what Shaun would want for us to do. But I am going to need grace.
Scottie told me today that he wasn't afraid to go to Heaven. That's because this is where his brother is. That you just have to have Jesus in your heart and then when you die you don't have to be scared. He said he wasn't scared... well just a little. Then he said that he was going to go to Heaven next, then Stephen, then Mommy and Daddy last. I hope this isn't so as I dont want to have the heartache that I am feeling yet again. But I do know if that does happen, Jesus promises to be there and carry me through it. The Footprints in the Sand poem comes to mind... "It was then that I carried you." And I do believe that Jesus is carrying me right now through it all.



The Footprints Prayer

One night I had a dream...

I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and
Across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand;
One belonged to me, and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before us,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
There was only one set of footprints.

I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in my life
This really bothered me, and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
You would walk with me all the way;
But I have noticed that during the
most troublesome times in my life,
There is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why in times when I
needed you the most, you should leave me.

The Lord replied, "My precious, precious
child. I love you, and I would never,
never leave you during your times of
trial and suffering.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you.


John 14:1 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. 2 My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 4 You know the way to the place where I am going.”
5 Thomas said to him, “Lord, we don’t know where you are going, so how can we know the way?”
6 Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. 7 If you really know me, you will know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.”